As an ADAM Director and Musical Play Producer

Hye everyone,
Just a random post on current updates on my situation now.
Last Monday, Techflow committee had a meeting at Mr Mike office concerning the upcoming musical. It was actually a straight to the point meeting where we finalize the decisions on whether to continue having a musical play this year.
after so many twist and turns and comments from everyone, the final  decision was to cancel the musical.

This was how I felt about it:
At first it was a sign of relieve, burdens gone, no more hassle of setting datelines, no need to rush people and risk of hurting them. Time was a big ease too. I knew I will be super free after this.
But then I thought for a while, the things I will be missing this yea, the words people will say about Techflow and me personally. Image was bad from my point of view. The effect of canceling the Musical was obvious. But still canceling it seems to be the best option. I knew many will feel disappointed, and might even put blames on each other and ultimately the Techflow committee. I feel that this will be hard to bear when time passes but it seems like no one realize this.
I will have a hard time explaining to others about this news and even to people that wishes to see another musical. As the Producer, I felt that I didn't do my job well. I felt that I was to blame. I fell bad. :(

The next day came. It was right after class where I bump into Dr. Chua at the main entrance of BN building. He asked me the reason for canceling the musical. At that moment, I was lost of words. One side of my head is telling me to have back the musical...and the other says it's already done, so just forget about it.
I followed him to his office and had a quick chat. I told him the main reason was because of the objective of our play which have diverted off the right path. He sounds like he really wanted the play to me. But he said he was neutral.

All that took me into deep thoughts. While waiting for the bus, I sat down at start evaluation on the decision that I have made. Good or Bad?
Was it correct to cancel it just because of that reason? or was there more to that?
I came back home and opened Facebook. I wanted to inform my committees that musical was canceled and to tell them the reason behind it. It was sooooooo hard to write. My words seems to be so hurtful in any way. I took a very long time checking every word I have typed. This was What I wrote:

It's due to many factors including time, commitment from committee,cast and crews, the objective and reason for doing the play and the mindset people will be bringing into Techflow.

Yes, there will be many benefits but it is not worth it to spend so much time, effort and money for this. We could simply just do a fundraiser and donate it to a Home or NGO with less the effort. And if we want to share the word of God, other ways could be done too and not necessary a Musical.

Techflow have been seen by people as a Drama Club instead of a Christian Fellowship. The musical main purpose was to share a message to pre-believers and at the same time raising funds to help the needy during Christmas. But things have been going the opposite direction.
We see that many are joining the Musical just for the fun and to have the opportunity to do musical stuff instead of having the right goal which is to serve God. And we wanted to set things right again.

I foresee that people will be asking about our musical.
I also foresee the things we all will be missing this year, the friendship, the bonds,the stress, the fun and other things all together.
But think about it, if we were to continue this musical for a wrong purpose and aim, will God be please? Will we have the same impact like previous years? I guess all of us can agree that we are not doing this musical for the sake of doing it, right?

I really like to thank all of you committees that have been so committed towards this play. It was a joy working with my dear brothers and sisters even for a short period of time. Don't be disappointed, if the Musical is God willing, next year we will still have one . I really hope that everyone can understand the reason for this and accept our decision positively.

Even after posting this, I felt so bad. The commitment my fellow brothers and sisters have given me. The trust, effort, time and energy they have poured out was simply priceless at this stage. Some even personal messaged me to ask me in more details.

I was like the middle man to all this. Was super hard. Super tiring too.
I know even thou there is no musical, my job is not done. There are still much things waiting for me in the future. For God have greater plans for me. I believe.

Dilemma

I don't know why sometimes it's just hard to express thoughts. I am known for being a carefree person that just bombard crazy ideas at crazy timings. But when it reach a certain point in life where my brain just shuts down. Lost of words. Lost of awareness of things happening around me. I hate this feeling.

Musical is on the way of preparations. Many things are already assigned to be done. Date is also confirmed and people are already recruited. But it just comes to a point that things seems to be so hard. Nearly impossible to be done.
That draws me back to a simple question. Yes or No to Musical Play. To be honest, I really don't want to host another musical. And in addition, I'm the Producer this time. The workload, stress and even commitment issues are foreseen from day 1. Having it will be a problem and canceling it will be also another problem. On both sides, I feel like the evil person doing all this decisions. I really don't know what to do at this point. Risk my time and effort or risk relationships and trust.

Studies have been easy going this semester. Usually taking 18 credits had made this 14 credits semester look pretty simple. Bad thing is, I became lazy. I sleep more now and had afternoon naps everyday. Papers on my desk is just a mere show off to those that comes to my room. They are simply there to be blown by wind. I guess I lost my energy and hype this semester. Eating habits have been worsen and money is suddenly being a problem in my life. Things are going super slowly. Again, I don't like this feeling.

Relationships torn, Trust broken, Studies deteriorating, Time wasted, Bad health.
First world problems indeed.
I just hope things goes better this weekends and for weeks to come.
I need to trust on the Lord and believe he will provide.

Adios
-Alex N-

Memories.

Today, 10th June 2013 marks 3 years since I knew you in person.
The time I first added you in Facebook till having late night chats on MSN till meeting you for the first time in MPH. Memories all together accumulated. Sweet, bitter or even tasteless.
Although we are so far apart now, the memories I had with you will never fade away.
Even till today, I still think of you, I miss your smile, your laugh and even your cries. But I guess it's all too late now to start regretting.
I know I did wrong, and I didn't took any initiative to mend it back. I was just so messed up. Maybe is just me thinking too much again.

It all just came down to a point that I cant say a single word anymore. I fear I hurt your feelings again. I am afraid you will cry over me. I am afraid of lying to you again.

So I thought for a while, and came to realization that you will be happier and better of without my presence in your life.
I know at that moment, you expect me to come back pleasing you and doing what is right again, but I didn't. I decided to leave so that both of us will be happier.
I lied to myself that I don't need you anymore like I make false hopes to you.
As days passed, things was dull, I was sad but not emotional. I knew life have to carry on.
Weeks passed and I still stalk you at times. Seeing you enjoying life again makes me happy too.
It made me realize that I made the right choice. I was indeed the troublemaker in your life.
I am sorry I could not be who you think I will be. I am sorry I can no longer be there for you in time of need or even a listening ear. I am sorry I hurt you so much before. I am sorry I lied and gave false hope. I am sorry I wasted your time. I am very very sorry and I hope you can forgive me.

All this experiences opened my eyes. To see things from another angle. Things I have never experienced before. I learned a lot from this and I wont make the same mistake again in the future.
I guess this is the end. All the best in future undertakings. Hope to see you soon one day.